It's Just My Opinion, Commander
by Andre Dmitri Garrett
Summary: You know how Joker always has some snide little comment about your team members, and then asks you not to spread it around? Well he just pissed off Shepard, and she's not pulling any punches.


It's Just My Opinion, Commander

"Jeff, you should apologize to the Commander," EDI suggested again as Joker groaned. Had Cerberus stuck his mom inside the machine for real? Or was this Cerberus's way of getting back at him for those comments he'd made in his first years with them?

"Look EDI, Shepard's a big girl," Joker assured, for what had to be the fiftieth time in the last hour. "We've been working together for a while and she knows better than to get into a verbal contest with me. You can't take what the Joker dishes. Shepard just needed to be reminded of that."

"I see, Jeff," EDI replied. There was a silence. "However, you should apologize. It would be polite etiquette."

"Come on, EDI!" Joker groaned. "So she stormed off upset because I made fun of what she did for that Batarian recruiter said way back when we picked up Garrus. She shouldn't have told me in the first place. Just get off that ship already."

EDI said nothing else, and Joker was happy to have silence as he guided his baby through the stars. He almost forgot that he had just ticked off Shepard when he heard someone walking up behind him. Thinking it might have been Shepard, Joker turned to greet her. He might have even apologized or tried to brush the teasing away. But as he swiveled around, he saw it wasn't Shepard.

It was Garrus Vakarian, their token Turian as well as Shepard's more than close friend. Wrex owed Joker fifty credits, maybe even with interest. "Hey Garrus, what's up?" Joker asked. Then he noticed Garrus had something unusual in his hands. "What, do you calibrate my baby by banging on it with a pipe?"

"Actually," Garrus began, and Joker got a bad feeling about the situation. "This is that stick I had up my ass. You know, the one I use to beat people to death with?"

_Oh shit._

Joker tugged at his collar as Garrus eyed him dangerously. "I've been hearing things, Joker."

Now Joker understood why EDI had been appealing to him so badly; Shepard had gone and pulled Garrus Vakarian against him. Worse, she had even told him those jokes Joker had made. Joker tried to do his best to avoid trouble. "Come on, Garrus," he pleaded. "I was just… oh, look."

Miranda Lawson was walking towards the two of them; Joker had been saved by her very appealing hips. Hey, he was a guy. Plus, Miranda wouldn't have the crew trying to murder their pilot. But then Joker's hopes started to edge towards the cliff as he noticed the expression she had on. "Mister Moreau," she greeted. _Shit._ "I believe you have something you've wanted to say about me, or something you suggest I should do? Don't worry, I promise I won't give a reprisal."

Joker did not believe that.

"Hey, guys," Joker tried, putting his hands up as two very deadly people stared him down. One with a steel pipe, and one with a killer body and killer biotics. "Look, this is all a misunderstanding—"

"Is it now?" Jacob asked. Joker paled; Jacob had been rallied against him too? Unlike the other two, Jacob had a smirk on his face. He was enjoying watching Joker panic. "Don't mind me. I just wanted to hear how many ways I could kill somebody."

The doors to the elevator opened, and instantly a stream of curses exploded into the air. "Where's the son of a bitch?" Jack shouted. She spotted the group at the cockpit and stormed towards them. "You got something to say to me? Say it right now!"

Joker nearly pissed himself.

Then Tali came striding up behind Jack, reaching for her shotgun. _What? I never said anything about her; she's the nicest person on the crew!_ "So Joker, I'm messed up because I was a raised on a ship, along with every other Quarian?" she asked politely.

_Oh yeah, that. But I burned myself! Shepard you're going to get me killed!_

There was no sign that Thane had been approaching; he just appeared. "I believe we need to have a talk," Thane mused. "Something about cuddling." Garrus had an arm out to keep Jack from splattering Joker, while considering pipe in his other hand.

A moment later Mordin, Legion, Samara, Kasumi, and Zaeed had joined the entourage as well, and they were all glaring down at a very scared Joker. "Any last words, Mister Moreau?" Miranda asked.

Joker pulled at his collar again and glanced at EDI for assistance, but the AI only said, "Good-bye, Jeff." _Great, there goes my backup. Shit! I'm going to die!_

Then, the pilot glanced back at the angry crowd and spotted Shepard off behind them. She had her arms folded, was leaning up against a chair, and had the nerve to be grinning at him. She was going to enjoy watching him killed? "Commander, this is not cool!" he called out to her. "I told you that stuff didn't need to be spread around!"

Shepard raised an eyebrow, and Joker realized he'd stuck his brittle foot in his foot. Garrus patted the pipe as Jack's biotics flared. "Really now?" Zaeed asked, giving a dark grin down at Joker. He held up his hands as the crew converged towards him. How could it get any worse?

From behind Shepard's position, a roar came that shook the cockpit. "WHERE IS HE? I AM NO KITTEN TO BE COLLECTED!" Grunt howled.

Joker pissed himself.


End file.
